In the mood to brood

Depression

Depression (Photo credit: GEEKSTATS)

I’ve been feeling, oh I don’t know, not so perky and bright of late.  I’ve been feeling moody, like I’m trying to fight off depression.  I’ve been down that road and I’d just as soon not take it again, thank you very much.  I know battling physical pain every day doesn’t help.  Then add not being able to get enough sleep to the mix and you have a not-so-appealing recipe for broodiness.

I had to go to work today.  I typically like my job, but things are more than a little rough these days.  It seems like there’s a lot of inter-departmental fighting about who isn’t doing what correctly, who is slacking, who is making things difficult for others, etc.  You know, we all go through those periods at any job.  I was off yesterday so when I walked in to the office this morning, I just stood there looking at the mess, asking myself how anyone could possibly work in a pit like this and why I invariably have to clean up after the other managers (all of whom are men, by the way).  Feeling a little put upon, you think?

I already had a lot to do without adding more to my list.  Then I started working on the deposit for the previous day’s sales…oh great!  The office specialist didn’t get enough fives for the holiday weekend after I specifically told her the banks would be closed Monday because of Columbus Day.  As the only manager working, I couldn’t even leave the store to go to the bank.  So I guess we’ll just have to try to make due.

Oh, and then the call-ins started.  That’s my favorite part about working on the weekends, so many people call in.  Of course, you can’t get anyone else to come in and cover on the weekend.  Most of the time, they don’t even answer their phones.  Goody!  Now I’m in a bad mood and running the store short-handed, which seems to be how we operate every single weekend.

As I was looking through the ad signs (we set our ads early Sunday morning), I noticed there were only about half of the signs I needed.  None at all for two entire departments.  Sheesh…seriously?  I got as many printed and ready to put out as I could, but I’m not even close to having them all ready to post.  What do you think that says about how tomorrow will start?

Anyhow, I know dwelling on these kinds of feelings just makes it worse.  I did manage to thank one of the girls who came in (the first opening cashier to show up on my weekend in probably three weekends) despite not feeling well.  And one of my framers told me she could work a little extra since my closing framer called in.  I truly appreciate both of them going the extra mile to help their co-workers.  I also spent some time joking around with the closing manager about work and how it’s making us feel a little (?) down lately.  See, it’s not just me.  But I am attempting the whole attitude of gratitude thing…you just couldn’t tell it by my earlier rantings.

 

Trying to hold depression at bay

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve battled depression.  And I’m trying to avoid that pit now.  We’ve had a lot of changes at work…and change is always difficult for just about everyone…I do understand that it takes time to acclimate, to settle into new routines…I’m aware of all of this, but I still find myself not being happy at work.  And that’s pretty sad because I’ve always loved my job and all of the people (okay, most of the people) that I work with.  I’m giving myself time to get used to all of the changes and see if I can adapt.  I don’t want to give up a job that I’ve always enjoyed just because I didn’t allow myself sufficient time to come to terms with the changes that have been instituted.

But I find myself on the verge of tears just about every day…and that’s just not me.  I like to kid around, have a good time while working hard.  I’ve always been loyal to the company and thankful that I had a job doing interesting things, different things, every day.  Hopefully I can get past this and get back to my cheerful, fun-loving self soon…

I guess the question I may eventually have to ask myself is, “Is this enough for me?”  If I can’t find my way to happiness with this new set-up, do I continue working there so I can draw a paycheck while devoting more time to my writing?  Or do I dare to do something altogether different?  Life is very rarely static, is it?

pansies make me smile

Hoarders..could I be one?

Compulsive hoarding Apartment

Image via Wikipedia

I had the television on last night and one of those reality shows about hoarding came on (not sure which one, apparently there are several different ones).  I just sat there in shock at what those houses looked like.  At first I kept asking myself how in the world anyone allowed that to happen.  Then, as I listened to their stories, it began to make sense…to a degree. 

I understand things like this sneak up on a person.  They happen gradually until you’re totally overcome by your circumstances.  In hoarding, the stuff becomes your circumstances…it buries you…you use the stuff to not have to deal with the other stuff, the real stuff, that’s going on in your life. 

I now recognize that one of my best friends was a hoarder.  I think a lot of her “stuff” was that she was depressed, had been molested by her father for years, and had a husband who was cheating on her.  I truly believe depression has to play a part in this condition.  As someone who dealt with depression for several years, I understand the lack of motivation to keep your house clean. Even getting out of bed can seem overwhelming.  And there’s this feeling that things will never improve.  Of course, that’s the depression talking.  There is always a way out, a way to make things better.  But when you’re severely depressed, it feels like that’s all there will ever be.

I am so thankful that I was able to overcome the depression, but I know it could come smashing down on me again.  That’s why I try to force myself to do the things I know make me feel better…exercise, music, writing, dancing, and keeping my house semi-clean.  It’s always a joy to open the front door to a clean, fresh-smelling house.

As I was watching that hoarding show last night, I remembered all the stuff I kept for years, packed away in closets.  This was stuff that I didn’t like enough to display or use, but didn’t want to throw it out for some reason.  Fear of not having enough?  Fear of not being enough?  When I finally began going through things, donating or tossing things, I felt better with each bag or box that I got rid of.  I felt lighter…hmm…can you say “weight issues”?  I still have a spare bedroom that I need to declutter.  I have a lot of crafting supplies that I will probably never use again.  Sheesh…do you think an after-school program or a women’s club could put those things to good use?

I’ve spent a few hours today really cleaning house, putting a few things aside to take to work to give to anyone who might want it.  I’m going to spend a couple of days on my next vacation cleaning out the spare bedroom.  I know I’ll feel so much better when I can walk by that doorway and see a clean, uncluttered room.

So, do I think I’m a hoarder?  Not any more…and I’m going to do everything in my power to see that I don’t slip into that kind of behavior again.  What about you?  Do you have hoarding tendencies?  How do you combat them?  And, just so you know, that is NOT a picture of my house!!!