The long and winding road to fitness, day 76

back pain bench

Image by Johnson Cameraface via Flickr

Oh my, what an exhausting, hot day this was.  Temps back up into the mid 90s, humidity levels sky-high again.  I think I got spoiled by those few days of really nice weather we had.  One good thing about the heat at this time of year, you know it won’t last much longer.

We had to unload a truck this morning, so glad it came on time.  It was hot enough when he got there.  I can only imagine how much hotter it would have been later in the day…ugh!  We were all a little (umm…make that a lot) sweaty by the time we finished.

Today I had good food packed for work.  I ended up not even eating all of it and eating a  vending machine bag of Cheetos for my afternoon snack.  Why, when I had popcorn packed from home?  I’ve got to figure this out and get it back under control before I end up regaining the weight I’ve lost.

Lots and lots of walking and lifting on the job today.  That was all the exercise I did today though.  I had terrible back pain all day.  Any time I would bend over, I thought I wouldn’t be able to stand up straight again.  I took a couple of Aleve.  Not sure if that did anything or not.  Tonight I’m hitting the sack (where did that saying come from? does anyone know?) early and hoping for a restful, uninterrupted eight hours of sleep.  Wouldn’t that be bliss?

How many hours of sleep do you need to feel your best the next day?  Do you usually get it?

Why do I have self esteem issues?

Abandonment

Image by Shooting Paradise via Flickr

After thinking about how I sometimes get down on myself, think and speak negatively to myself, it occurred to me that I still have some self-esteem issues to work on.  Probably most people have some issues with self-esteem at various times in their lives.  I know I’m better in that regard than I was in the past, but sometimes that little voice is still there whispering in my ear, “You’re not as good as____”, “You’ll never accomplish____”, or whatever else that the little devil on my shoulder decides to say to me.

What causes this?   For me, I think it goes back to my father not being there for me.  He wasn’t there for me in any way that mattered.  He wasn’t there physically and he wasn’t there for me emotionally.  The few times I did see him after the divorce, he never failed to comment on my weight.  And his comments were always negative, of course.  I eventually came to the conclusion (as only kids can do) that he wasn’t there for me because I was fat.  That makes me sad for the little girl that I was.  No kid should have to feel like that, ever.

I allowed that to affect me for way too many years.  After I finally realized that I didn’t cause him to behave the way he did, it was a long time before that really sunk in,  a long time before I finally accepted that he didn’t treat me the way I deserved to be treated.  He didn’t love me unconditionally.  Unconditional love is something that every child should be able to expect from their parents.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of parents who are incapable of providing it.  And the children suffer because of the inadequacies of their parents.  Sad, but true.

Now that I’m in a place where I understand all of that, I guess the next step is giving myself that unconditional love.  I’m working on it, but it’s not something that comes easily.  Ahh…it’s so true that the things that matter most in life are often the things we must work the hardest to achieve.