One step forward

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I was so surprised to hear from so many people about my blog yesterday (although not a lot of people actually left comments on the blog itself…what’s up with that?).  Right after I published that blog, I felt like grabbing it back.  What was I thinking sharing my struggles with anyone who felt like stopping by and reading it?  By using the publicize feature connected with facebook, I was suddenly blogging very publicly rather than anonymously.  Very few of my friends and none of my family had read my blogs, so it felt safer to share anything and everything.  After all, I didn’t really know the people who read my blogs and they didn’t know me, so whatever I blogged about was kind of in the safe zone. 

I definitely stepped outside that zone yesterday and suppose I may as well continue down that road today.  I did get up at 4:30 this morning, got in a good workout and ate a healthy breakfast before getting ready for work.  Getting that workout in early made me feel good about myself…the first step back in the right direction.  I took my lunch and snacks to work.  I must admit though, I was tempted to buy a candy bar at work.  What?  Let me explain…my district manager called.  We had a conference call scheduled for this afternoon and he wanted me to give a little talk on the call. At the same time, he told me I’d be presenting three different discussions at a district meeting on March 1.   I’ve never been comfortable with public speaking.  When I was a kid, I was painfully shy.  I’m not that bad any more, but speaking in front of all the managers, the auditor and who knows who else still makes me nervous.  So…nervousness, for me, has often triggered emotional eating.  I knew that’s why those candy bars were calling my name today.  I’m pleased that I was able to ignore them, plan what I was going to say and move on with my day.

It’s strange.  I’m in retail management.  I know how to do my job.  I know I’m intelligent and capable.  I know I understand the policies and procedures of our company as well as the other managers do.  But I still feel hesitant about being the center of attention at that upcoming district meeting.  Because I’ve gained weight?  Yeah, I’m pretty sure that has something to do with it.  I know people who haven’t seen me since the last meeting will notice how much weight I’ve gained.  But wait!  So what?  Why do I care about what they think?  I’m who I am regardless of my weight.  I remember my step sister once told me that my weight didn’t have any bearing on how they (the family) felt about me.  That was the first time I’d thought of it like that.  I’d always assumed that my family and friends “liked” me more when I was thin, that they were embarrassed to be around me when I was heavier.  That doesn’t say a lot for how I thought about them, does it? 

I think I’m going to have to do a lot of soul searching on this journey, challenge my beliefs, question my thoughts and feelings.  It already feels uncomfortable, but I know the discomfort won’t kill me.  Facing my emotions won’t destroy me.  This may not be the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but it just might end up being one of the best things I’ve done for myself.  I’ll continue putting one foot in front of the other and picking myself up when I fall.  I know I can do this…wish me luck and pass along the occasional word of encouragement, okay?

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5 Responses

  1. Hi Patti! I am so glad you decided to go “public” with your blog! You have inspired me to get mine going again. I have been away from it for a year! Yikes! Guess life gets in the way sometimes…

    I have been doing the stockpile/coupon clipping/CVS….stuff since I lost my job. Funny how something like that can jolt you into action! That was almost 3 years ago now, and I am still using the ‘almost free’ Oil of Olay body wash that I would have never gave myself the luxury of using if I would have had to pay full price for! And toothbrushes, mercy! I could stock a dentist office for a week! It is addicting for sure…I was a lunatic when I was going to school in Jasper, because I could hit Bedford, Mitchell, Loogootee, and Jasper CVS stores! If one store was out of a sale item I had three more I could hit up! Tonight at the JayC store the cashier said, “Girl, you saved more than you spent!” I love it when they say that….LOL!

    I laugh about it, but I am so thankful that God has given me the resources to make what I have stretch to be always ‘Just Enough’! And His ‘enough’ is some pretty good, name brand stuff!

    I wish you luck Patti, in all the paths you choose to take!

  2. Its me again! I love, love, love reading your blog. Just know I’ll be reading and cherring you on, whether you hear from me or not. Take care and one step at a time….love you my friend!

  3. I think your blog is great. You say you have a hard time with public speaking, but yet you can write a blog and put your life out there for everyone to see. That shows you have a lot of GUTS. Your weight doesn’t make you who you are “You Make You”!!!!!!! People have this image of how we as women should look and it is wrong, we all look different and need to learn how to be happy with that and judge ourselves by there standers. We should only judge ourselves has to how good we are at what we do in and with our lives and how happy that makes us.

  4. I think your blog is great. You say you have a hard time with public speaking, but yet you can write a blog and put your life out there for everyone to see. That shows you have a lot of GUTS. Your weight doesn’t make you who you are “You Make You”!!!!!!! People have this image of how we as women should look and it is wrong, we all look different and need to learn how to be happy with that and not judge ourselves by there standers. We should only judge ourselves has to how good we are at what we do in and with our lives and how happy that makes us.

  5. Lin, thanks so much for your words of encouragement!! In my mind, i know you’re right…it’s my heart that needs convincing!

    Lynn, girl, I’m so proud of you…I kind of feel like I had just a wee bit to do with how well you turned out…didn’t we have some good times at the old pizza place?

    Lisa, oh my..I stopped by your blog…very nice…loved the story about Lori and Prissy…great pictures too…that’s something I need to do more of!

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